Slightly Screwed
by thebree
Summary: How Harry Potter's seventh year at Hogwarts REALLY went... A totally ridiculous parody.
1. TRANSFIGURATION

**CHAPTER 1: TRANSFIGURATION**

"Ahem, as I was saying - I'm sorry Mister Malfoy is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?" Professor McGonagall's sheer shriek rose over the classroom.

Draco Malfoy looked over from where he sat, talking animatedly to Frederick Nott and shook his head, "No, just with Nott," he answered with a smirk.

Professor McGonagall gave him a look of absolute surprise and shrugged. "Well, could you please do it a little quieter, then? I'm sure Miss Granger and Mister Potter can hear you speaking about them."

Hermione Granger and Harry Potter nodded their heads from the front row. Of course they could hear them; _everyone_ could hear them.

Hermione turned around and glared at Malfoy, but he only smirked at her. Hermione stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry at him before turning around and focusing herself at Professor McGonagall again.

"Well, that wasn't very mature," she heard Malfoy hiss from behind her.

"Well neither is what you're saying about me," Hermione whispered back.

"What, that you're a filthy Mudblood? That's not immature, Granger, that's the truth."

Hermione stood up so suddenly that Harry screamed like a little girl and the table the two of them were sitting at flipped forwards. "SHUT UP YOU INCONSIDERATE LITTLE FERRET!" she screamed at Malfoy.

Malfoy looked at the girl now standing directly in front of him, glad that there was a table there, for he was sure if there hadn't been she would have pounced on him; _which wouldn't be so bad_, Malfoy thought, then suddenly burst out laughing. Uncontrollably. And when you're laughing uncontrollably and someone wants to kill you it doesn't mix very well.

Anywho, Hermione's rage only grew as her blood (her dirty blood, mind you) started to boil. "WHAT IS SO FUNNY?" she yelled.

Ron looked over at the pale boy rolling around on the floor laughing and gave him a confused look, "Yes, I think we'd all like to know what is so funny."

Professor McGonagall looked strangely at her class, from the flipped over table in the front row, to Harry Potter cowering behind it, to Hermione Granger, who was always known to control herself, looking as though she could kill, to the orange monkey sitting outside the window, and then to Malfoy, who was laughing himself into an early grave. She let out a heavy sigh.

"Mister Malfoy please cease and desist; Miss Granger please take a seat," and with a flick of her wand she put the table right-side up again, "Mister Potter please stop acting like a little schoolgirl and Weasley stop looking at him as though you like it!" she snapped.

Ron's ears grew red and he hunched over in his seat.

Malfoy stopped laughing for a second and looked around the classroom, from Weaselby sitting hunched over in his seat, looking very ashamed, to Potty, who looked as though he could cry, to the orange monkey sitting outside the window, and finally to Granger, whose hair was in complete disarray and whose face resembled the color of a tomato.

Then Malfoy remembered McGonagall's words, echo-ey voice Plleeeeaassse ceeeeeasssse annnnnnnnd deeesssissst /echo-ey voice, and started laughing again.

Hermione was sick of him laughing, plus it was sort of making her want to snog him, so, because she was so sick of the ignorant prat, she decided to jump on him. Yes, my dear reader, you read correctly. Hermione Granger jumped on Draco Malfoy and began to hit every inch of him she could.

Although, she is a witch, isn't she? Couldn't she have just cursed him from where she stood?

Anywho, in all of the commotion no one noticed Crabbe and Goyle sneak out the door of the Transfiguration classroom. Like I said, no one noticed.

Malfoy looked completely astonished as the Mudblood jumped on him and started to hit him everywhere. Fortunately, it didn't hurt; unfortunately, he now couldn't move because she was sitting on him. Although, she didn't really weigh all that much; I'm sure if Malfoy wanted to he could just push her off.

But alas, this is a deranged and demented fan fic, so he doesn't.

Once again, Professor McGonagall looked around her classroom, from Hermione Granger sitting on Malfoy and hitting him, to Longbottom sitting on the cupboard, sucking his thumb, to Weasley and Potter sitting on the desk whispering sweet nothings to each other, to the orange monkey sitting outside the window, and sighed again.

"Fine, I'll let you in, as long as you promise to behave," she said as she walked to the window and opened it, letting the little monkey inside the classroom, which was sort of its normal habitat at the moment, since it somewhat resembled a zoo.

Everyone suddenly stopped moving: Hermione stopped hitting Draco, Harry and Ron stopped snogging, Neville stopped rocking back and forth, and they all looked towards the monkey.

The monkey sat for a moment on the window sill, looking around at them all, he then held up one hand and made the "peace" gesture.

Everyone screamed and ran for the door. I don't know; something about that monkey. Anyway, they all screamed and ran towards the door, all trying to squeeze out at once. Even McGonagall. No, I don't know why. I guess the monkey scared her as well.

Where were we? Oh yes. Everyone is trying to squeeze out of the three foot wide door at the same time. Doesn't really work since there's about twenty of them. But finally, the two people who are stuck at the front (Harry and Ron, of course, who would have guessed?) fall forwards - onto their faces of course, it just wouldn't be a good story if no one got hurt - and were trampled by the wild rampage of students as they ran away from the terrifying – err, monkey.

But alas, our extremely friendly friends Harry and Ron are still alive. But no one cares because they're all running out of the castle screaming, "We're going streaking!"

Wait, is it possible that our little fury friend (the monkey, not Snape) actually iwasn't/i the cause of terror? Perhaps when the window opened, the outside looked so good they all knew they just had to run naked in it? (Hey, that's what I would do.)

So, as they ran down the stairs, through the Entrance Hall, and out of the great Oak Doors, the twenty something kids all threw off their clothes and ran around naked: playing tag, swimming in the lake, doing lunges... I mean, NOT doing lunges.

Well, perhaps doing lunges; these Hogwarts kids can get pri-tee crazy.

Wasn't that a sight?

Now our dear little monkey friend has the Transfiguration classroom all to himself. How cool. What shall he do? Well, what all monkeys do of course! Throw poop! Fortunately, there's no one in the room to throw poop at, unfortunately, in the hurry to get outside and get naked, McGonagall left the door to the corridor wide open.

So, the monkey walked slowly out the door, poop in hand, and looked for a victim. And who should come walking down the hallway, but none other than our greasy haired Snape.

SPLAT! Right in the face. How much would that stink? Literally. Ha. Poor Snapey-Poo.

Snape jumped back in surprise and yelled, "AUGH!" which in Snape language is short for, "You stupid monkey! I'm going to get you and hang you by your toenails! Then I shall kill you and fry and eat your brains!"

Snape's odd, isn't he?

But then he spotted the open window! Uh-oh... When Snape saw how good it looked outside he knew he just had to go run naked!

He ran down the corridor, down the staircase, through the Entrance Hall, out the Oak Doors - throwing clothes off as he did so - and with that he ran right to the edge of the lake and jumped in, screaming, "We're going streaking!"


	2. DINNERTIME

_**Krazi Kelli, **No, there are 10 chapters. : You lucky, lucky people.

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**CHAPTER 2: DINNERTIME**

Everyone in the lake looked toward the place where naked Snape had just jumped in.

"Ew" was the only noise anyone heard before they all ran out like a pack of wild wildebeests. Ha. Wildebeests.

So again, we have a stampede of students, running not from our furry little monkey friend this time, but instead from our furry little Snapey friend. Well I suppose I wouldn't call him little. Neither would the people who saw him jump into the lake.

Ew. I didn't mean it like that! Get your mind out of the gutter!

Anywho, back to the story; so now all of the little children are running up the banks of the lake (they're still naked) and are trying to get as far away from poopey-faced naked Snape as they can. Because he's Snape. And he's naked.

Draco was the first to get back inside the castle, followed, of course, by Hermione. And they were both naked. And about five minutes in front of everyone else. What can they do in five minutes?

Malfoy smirked at Hermione, "Hey Granger... You thinking what I'm thinking?" he asked, walking a little closer to her.

Hermione grinned evilly and took a step towards him, "I think so," she replied, "What are you thinking?"

Draco purred slightly and grabbed her hand. "I was thinking," he smiled at her, "That we could toilet paper the Hufflepuff common room!" he yelled and they both ran off with malicious grins on their faces.

What did you think they were going to do? Sicko.

Outside in the lake Snape rose out of the water. "Where'd everybody go?" he questioned, only to be answered by the giant squid who was floating but a mere few feet away.

"They ran from you. Because you're Snape. And you're naked," was all it said before it slid back beneath the glassy surface of the lake.

Snape frowned. "So, just because I'm naked no one wants to hang out with me?" (sad, dramatic music) Snape sniffed a bit and started to get out of the water, which seemed much colder now that he was alone.

SMACK!(/sad, dramatic music)(That thing where it's like the record stops and it makes that sort of screech noise)

A squirrel had fallen out of the tree Snape was standing under. Apparently it was laughing so hard at him because he was naked that it had lost its balance and fallen from the tree branch right onto Snape's head.

"Ow!" Snape whined. This really wasn't his day, was it? Now he had a crazy squirrel running circles around him.

Snape started his walk back up to the castle through the green grass, littered by clothes people had thrown off in a hurry to be naked.

Back at the castle all of the students were rushing inside, and running - or in Harry and Ron's case skipping - back to their common rooms to get dressed for dinner.

Hermione and Draco snuck out of the Hufflepuff common room, still naked, and still holding hands, how they toilet-papered an entire common room holding hands, I've no idea. Maybe they used magic, or worked together or something; but back to the story.

So Hermione and Draco were sneaking out of the Hufflepuff common room when Crabbe and Goyle showed up, and Crabbe whispered something in Draco's ear.

Draco's face twisted into an eerie smile as he let go of Hermione's hand and blew her a kiss. "I'll see you later, darling." Hermione giggled and caught the kiss, storing it in... Err... Well, storing it, as she watched Draco walk away with Crabbe and Goyle, the crazy grin still plastered on his face.

Harry and Ron stopped short in front of the portrait of the fat lady as they see she isn't there. "Wonder where she's gone to," Ron said as he turned towards naked Harry.

Naked Harry looked at naked Ron and shrugged. "I don't know. But I don't care if she ever comes back, as long as I have you!" he exclaimed and pulled Ron into a giant bear hug.

A silent tear fell down Ron's cheek.

When Harry finally let his friend go, there was no time to do or say anything as they were both suddenly shot with badly aimed stunning spells and crumble to the floor.

"Good aim," a malicious voice came from the shadows, and none other then the silver-haired, grey-eyed, naked Draco came out, Crabbe and Goyle following behind him.

"I say it's time we help these two boys show their true colors," he said, and Crabbe and Goyle grunted their approval of the plan.

"I DON'T NEED YOUR APPROVAL I'LL DO IT WHETHER YOU SAY SO OR NOT!" Draco shouted at them; Crabbe and Goyle looked slightly affronted. "Now, help me get these dresses on them."

"ALAS!" Draco exclaimed twenty minutes later, looking at the two boys in pink and blue flowered dresses lying before him, "It is finished!" he said and skipped merrily around them for a moment, then stopped short, straightening up and looking at Crabbe and Goyle.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Get them up and bring them to the Great Hall for dinner!"

Harry and Ron woke up to laughter from all directions, and looked around at each other.

Ron gasped.

Harry gasped.

Hermione gasped.

Ron gasped.

Harry gasped.

Ron gasped.

Harry gasped.

Snape gasped. "You, too?" he exclaimed, a smile on his face.

Harry looked at Snape with a disgusted face and replied smoothly, "I'm way out of your league, Severus."

Snape looked to the ground and sat down again.

Harry and Ron looked at each other again, smiled, hooked arms, and skipped down the aisle to where Hermione was sitting at the Gryffindor table.

Draco gave them a strange look, raising an eyebrow. "Well, that didn't go as planned..."


	3. THE MEETING

**CHAPTER 3: THE MEETING**

Millions and billions of galaxies away - okay so three miles and two blocks to the left - Voldemort stood in the middle of a circle of people, a grim expression on his face.

"Crabbe, Goyle, Nott... I cannot say I am very pleased with you right now. You did not follow my orders directly."

"Terribly sorry master..."

"It won't happen again, my Lord..."

"YOU'RE BLOODY RIGHT IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN!" Voldemort screamed at them, spit flying from his mouth. "I will not tolerate your lack of hard work any longer; do you hear me? This is the last straw!"

"Yes, sir..." The three stooges – I mean Death Eaters, mumbled.

"Ahh... Lucius, my slippery friend; answer me this: why is it that I call you that again?" Voldemort said, a confused look coming over his face.

Lucius stared for a moment, then opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again once he realized he has absolutely no idea why the Dark Lord calls him "slippery." Perhaps it's a rather sick nickname for the time he slipped and fell on his buttocks after ignoring the sign that said, "Slippery when wet" at the supermarket.

Perhaps.

"Doesn't matter," Voldemort decided, shrugging, after a few moments, and continued his march around the circle.

"Snape," he practically whispered the name, "Your work has pleased me greatly, you will be rewarded. With Dumbledore out of my way I can now have all the slumber parties I want and not feel bad about not inviting him, because he couldn't come anyway, because he's DEAD!" Voldemort shouted the last word, threw his head back and gave a high, malicious sounding laugh; and then immediately stopped, shifting his eyes a bit. "Ahem."

"Yes, my Lord," Snape says, curtsying.

"Today, my dear friends," those last words made him shudder, "Sorry about that, ahem, today my dear followers you will be tested! Whoever comes out on top will be greatly rewarded; therefore winning himself the sleeping bag next to me during the next Death Eater slumber party, and the one who comes up last, will get the sleeping bag on my other side, just incase I decide to kill during the night." Voldemort stopped and a wide grin spread across his face as he clapped his hands together. "Okay, so, who's ready to start?"

All of the Death Eaters put their hands to the middle of the circle and chanted: "Two, four, six, eight, who do we love to hate? Harry! Harry! Harry," and then they were off to their positions.

Voldemort spoke softly, "Normally, we would test to see how long you can stand to hold the Cruciatus Curse, correct? But today, I have decided that we shall be using a different sort of torture; something muggle women have to deal with, so whoever loses I will greatly look down upon."

All the Death Eaters shifted a little in their seats.

"Anywho, lets get started, shall we?" Voldemort said, turning on some opera music. "Come out torturers!"

At once fourteen baby strollers rolled out of the shadows and parked themselves next to each Death Eater's chair. "Let the torture begin!" Voldemort shouted, and immediately fourteen babies stood up in their strollers and began to repeatedly hit the Death Eaters over the head with their rattles, all the while Voldemort was laughing his cold, shrill laugh.

Almost immediately Crabbe and Goyle screamed like girls and ran away from the babies. Who would've guessed they'd lose first? After about five minutes' time Nott came out after them, a large bump on his head; apparently his baby had had some sort of grudge on him.

Lucius sat with his fists clenched, biting his lip; Macnair sat with his hands clasped together, his eyes closed; Snape sat turned away from the baby, so it was hitting the back of his head, and was chewing bubble gum and reading "Cosmo." On the other side of the room Draco, Pansy Parkinson, Frederick Nott, Blaise Zabini, and the only slightly smaller Crabbe and Goyle were all sitting with their arms crossed, looking mutinous.

Mutiny... This idea struck Malfoy suddenly like a brick to the head. Or perhaps that was the baby rattle..? Anywho, the thought struck him and he immediately began to think about what it would be like to be worshipped like Lord Voldemort. How wonderful it would be to have people fawn over you and kiss the hems of your robes; how awesome would it be to have people love you, even though you tortured them? I mean, Draco loved Voldemort with all his heart and soul even though Voldemort tortured him.

On the other side of London, back at Hogwarts, Ginny, Harry, Hermione and Ron were all sitting in the Gryffindor common room. Harry and Ron were playing wizard's chess and Hermione and Ginny were deep in conversation.

"So, you and Harry are back together?" Hermione asked, prepping her hair in a mirror.

Ginny smirked and popped a bubble with her gum. "Of course, darling, but I've got my eye on someone else," and she raised her eyebrows a few times.

Hermione looked awestruck and scooted closer to the redhead, "Who?"

Ginny glanced around nervously to be sure Harry and Ron weren't listening and leaned in close to Hermione, "Draco Malfoy," she whispered.

Hermione stood up so fast that Ginny fell over, and Hermione kicked her a few times before shouting, "No! He's mine you ugly little brat!"

"Hermione!" Harry yelled as he grabbed her arms from behind and pulled her away from Ginny, who was whimpering on the ground.

"Let go of me!" Hermione screamed, elbowing Harry in the ribs and running at Ginny again, who had just stood up with Ron's help.

"Hermione," Ron screeched as he tried to pull the two girls off of each other, "Why are you trying to kill Ginny?"

"Because – she's – trying – to – steal – my – man!" Hermione spat each word when she had time in between the hair pulling, slapping, punching, and kicking that was going on between her and Ginny. At the last word Hermione kicked Ginny so hard in the shins that she fell over, and Hermione backed up, wiping blood from her mouth.

Ron looked confused, "Why would my sister try to take me away from you? You're her best friend."

Hermione looked skeptically at Ron and started to laugh. "You... th-think you're a-a.. MAN?" she howled as she fell over onto the ground laughing, clutching a stitch in her side.

Ron looked at her strangely.

"You're no man, Ronald Weasley! And besides, you're in love with Harry anyways," Ron started to blush, "I know I've just been your cover-up, and I know Harry's using Ginny as a cover-up; I saw you two snogging in Transfiguration yesterday!" Harry and Ron looked at each other, it was hard to tell who was blushing more.

"Then who are you talking about?" Ron asked.

"Draco Malfoy!" Hermione and Ginny exclaimed at the same time, causing them to shoot each other loathing looks and storm in opposite directions... The war had begun.


	4. POTIONS

**CHAPTER 4: POTIONS**

"Potter," Snape yelled across the classroom, his nostrils flared, "What have I told you about speaking out in my classroom?"

Harry looked strangely at him and replied, "Actually, Severus, I was not speaking out; in fact, I was not speaking at all. I think you are very much mistaken in accusing me of something I didn't do."

Everyone turned to look at Harry. Who talks like that?

"What did you just say to me?" Snape hissed.

"Obviously, you're still just jealous because I love Ron, and not you. As I told you yesterday, Severus, I am way out of your league."

Snape blinked.

Hermione blinked.

Ron blinked.

Harry blinked.

Seamus blinked.

Draco winked.

Snape blinked.

The orange monkey outside the window blinked.

Ron blinked.

Hermione blinked.

"Enough with the blinking!" Pansy Parkinson suddenly shouted, standing up, her nostrils white and her breathing hard.

Everyone turned to look at Pansy. What kind of pansy gets so worked up over blinking?

Well, Pansy Parkinson obviously.

Don't you dare contradict me!

Anywho, Pansy let out a deep breath as she sits down again; everyone still stares at her.

Snape blinked.

Draco blinked.

Hermione blinked.

Harry bl-

"_Enough_!" was shouted at him from every other person in the room.

Snape looked around at all of the students in his classroom and blinked. Luckily, no one saw him blink, so no one else blinked. Anyway, he looked around his classroom - err, Dungeon - and blinked, then sighed.

Nobody loved him.

But that's beside the point.

At the moment no one in his class was paying attention to him, the Professor, the teacher, Snape! They should have been paying attention to him! He was the one at the front of the classroom, no? But how do you get a whole bunch of seventeen-year-olds to give you their attention?

Hm.

How _do_ you get a bunch of seventeen-year-olds to give you their attention?

Well, Snape thought and thought. And thought. And thought some more. And some more. And thought some more. And thought and thought and thought. But in the end he came up with no ideas.

Snape breathed a heavy sigh and thought some more. And thought and thought. And some more thinking; and some more thought.

Nothing.

What an idiot.

Poor little Snapey, for at that moment the bell rang and all of the students that should have been paying attention to him in the last hour rushed out of the door to the Dungeon and skipped away merrily, up to the Great Hall for lunch.

In another Dungeon three miles away and two blocks to the left, Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy sat planning mischievously about another plot to kill Harry Potter, the seventeen-year-old wizard who had "defeated" Voldemort five times.

Wow.

Well, Malfoy and Voldemort wouldn't say defeated, per se, because Voldemort was still alive, correct? Or alive again, or whatever you want to call it.

Anywho, they sat planning.

"What if we send him a letter filled with poison?" Lucius suggested.

"_You fool_!" Voldemort snarled, "The Ministry is still checking owls!" he spat at him. Can you say anger problems?

"Sorry, my Lord..." Lucius mumbled, his voice trailing off as he looked to the ground.

A few minutes passed by. Voldemort's face, if you could call red eyes and three slits a face, crumpled into a confused expression.

"What if we lured him out of Hogsmeade with an archery contest?" Lucius suggested again, lifting his head, but shrinking back in his seat slightly.

"An archery contest..?" Voldemort brought his hand to his chin, thinking very hard.

"Well, it worked with Robin Hood, sir."

Voldemort sat thinking for a few more minutes until suddenly he jumped up so fast Lucius screamed and fell over as Voldemort pointed his extremely thin and pale hand into the air. "I'VE GOT IT!" he yelled, "We'll lure him out of Hogsmeade with an archery contest!"

Lucius looked up at him, a bright expression on his face. "Brilliant, master, just brilliant."


	5. LEGOS

**Ash**: Why thnk you, darling. :) I'm happy you enjoy it.  
**Kelli**: Thank you. :) I have the first 9 chapters of this written, so I'll update them pretty fast but it will take a while to get to the tenth chapter since I'm currently writing something else. So I'm trying to space the first 9 chapters out sort of far...

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**CHAPTER 5: LEGOS**

"And now, Harry Potter, you shall die!" a high squeaky voice echoed through the almost empty Gryffindor common room.

A high tower in the center of the room made of Lego's was suddenly knocked over as Harry ran through it, holding a miniscule clone of himself in his right hand. "No! I will never die at your hands, Voldemort!" he said in a squeaky voice as he shoved his hand towards Ron, who was holding a tiny copy of Voldemort in his hand.

"Yes you will!" Ron squeaked.

"No I won't!" Harry squeaked back.

"Yes, you will!" Ron said, his voice a little higher than the average squeak.

"_No, I will not!_" Harry practically yelled.

Ron threw the little figure he held in his hand at Harry, "Yes, Harry Potter, you _will_ die!" he screamed.

Harry threw his figure of himself at Ron's forehead and took a few steps towards him. "You'll never kill me!" he said as he drew his wand.

Ron grabbed his wand and pointed it at Harry's heart. "DIE!"

"NO!"

Hermione walked down from the girls' dormitory at this moment and gave them both strange looks and sighed. "You do realize, Ron, that you're about to curse your best friend and lover; and Harry you realize that Ron is not actually Lord Voldemort, don't you?" she raised an eyebrow at them.

"Of course," Ron mumbled.

"Well, obviously," Harry shrugged.

"Okay," Hermione pushed her way through the giant Lego castle towards the portrait hole.

"Where're you off to?" Ginny's voice reverberated through the room.

"What's it to you?" Hermione said viciously, as she turned to see the redhead coming down the stairs of the girls' dormitories.

"Nothing," Ginny spat at her, pushing past her brother and Harry as she made her way towards Hermione. "Just wondering," she shrugged.

Hermione turned her back on Ginny and went quickly through the portrait hole, disappearing towards the staircase as she made her way to the dungeons, closely followed by Ginny.

Hermione raced down the stairs, Ginny right on her tail.

"He's mine!" Ginny screamed, elbowing her way past Hermione as she ran out of the Grand Staircase and into the Entrance Hall.

"No, he's mine!" Hermione grabbed Ginny by the hair and pulled her out of the way as she ran down the steps to the Dungeons.

It was a close race, I must say.

Who wins?

I don't know.

For now we are far away, yet again, checking up on our dear little Voldy-poo and our slippery little friend Lucius.

Still lost on why he's called that? Me, too.

Anywho, Lucius and Voldemort sat, their hands upon their chins, deep in thought, and surrounded by their fellow Death Eaters. Well, Lucius' fellow Death Eaters and Voldemort's - well, just his Death Eaters.

"My dear Death Eaters," Voldemort began in his cold voice. "I have brought you here tonight to tell you of my brilliant plans to destroy Harry Potter!"

"Again," someone coughed from the crowd.

Again, Voldemort stood up so quickly that Lucius screamed like a girl and fell over. People tend to do that a lot in this fic, don't they? It's entirely the writer's fault. Blame them.

"Who said that?" Voldemort screamed.

No one answered.

And can you blame them?

I mean, come on, Voldemort will probably kill whoever said it.

He's not a very nice guy.

Who's to say--

Ahem, right, back to the story.

Voldemort stared coldly into the eyes of each of his "faithful" Death Eaters. "And I thought you all were _faithful_ Death Eaters." Didn't we all?

"I said, who said that!" Voldemort said shrilly.

"We heard you the first time," the same voice replied.

Voldemort's head whipped around. "Why don't you come out and face me like a man?" Voldemort inquired, "Too afraid of me, are you?"

"No," said the voice.

"Well then why don't you come to me, so I can see you, face to face?"

"Because."

Voldemort let out a deep breath. "Where are you?"

"Here," the voice said.

"Where is here?" Voldemort said, now looking around frantically.

"Wow, not the brightest crayon in the box now, are you?" the voice says, and then gives a high pitched laugh, "Here, is here."

You could see the anger on Voldemort's face.

No really, someone seemed to have written "ANGER" on his forehead.

Voldemort's eyes looked upward as he tried to rub it off.

Nope, it permanent.

Poor Voldy-poo.

Hermione sprinted in front of Ginny as she jumped the last few steps into the Dungeons and made a sharp left, then a sharp right, then a left, then another left, then a right, and another left, and a right again, go straight, take the center corridor; AHA!

There it is.

The entrance to the Slytherin common room.

Hermione got there first and began to pound on the door. Not like anyone could hear her, but she still pounded on the door with her pretty little fists.

"Open up, Draco!"

At that moment Ginny came hurdling into the corridor, smacking into Hermione and knocking them both to the ground.

"Well, isn't this a sight?" Blaise Zabini spoke from the other end of the corridor; obviously he was on his way to the Slytherin common room and had come upon the two girls lying on top of each other.

I'd think it was a sight, too.

Hermione pushed Ginny off of her and stood up. "We're notgay like Harry and Ron, Blaise!" she exclaimed, kicking Ginny before she could stand up, "Let me into the common room."

"You're not a Slytherin," Blaise said, coolly.

"So; I have business to attend to," Hermione said, kicking Ginny again.

"With whom?" Blaise said, a wide smirk spreading across his face.

"Draco Malfoy!" Hermione and Ginny yelled together.

Hasn't that happened once before?

Eh, whatever.

Blaise looked from one girl to the other - and started to laugh. Uncontrollably.

Oh no, not this again.

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "You Slytherins are all alike, aren't you?" she said, more of a statement than a question.

Blaise continued to laugh.

Ginny looked sideways at Hermione. Hermione nodded.

The two girls rushed forward and began kicking Blaise. "Let – us – into – the – common - room!" Ginny screeched, saying the words between punches and kicks she was emitting onto Blaise.

"Alright, _alright!_" Blaise yelled, pushing the two Gryffindor girls off of him and walking up to the wall.

"Open Sesame," he said, and at once the wall disappeared, showing a small, dimly lit corridor, which was surrounded by paintings of snakes, and at the end, there was a bright light.

Light at the end of the – err, corridor?

Hermione and Ginny gave each other hateful looks and ran into the corridor.

"Draco!" Ginny yelled as she ran, tripping Hermione and watching her bushy head fall to the ground, laughing as she did so.

Blaise looked strangely at the two girls running ahead of him, then shrugged and started to whistle, turning and walking the opposite way.


	6. BONSAI

**CHAPTER 6: BONSAI**

Voldemort sprinted through the dark, cold room in his flannel pajamas, dodging Death Eaters and hurdling sleeping bags when suddenly he was hit smack in the back of the head by a bright purple pillow, falling forwards onto his face.

"Ow," he whined, pulling himself up off of the ground, and grabbing the pillow. He looked out to all of his Death Eaters, all wearing their pajamas, some lying in their sleeping bags chatting; Voldemort was especially fond of Lucius' sleeping bag, as it was _The Little Mermaid_.

Anywho, he looked at his Death Eaters and tried to figure out who had hit him. "Who hit me?" he hissed. All of the Death Eaters shivered.

Theodore Nott stepped forward. "It was I, Master," he said, bowing nice and low.

Voldemort's icy stare turned instantly into that of a seven year old boy on Christmas morning. He swung hard and hit Theodore, or Teddy, as Voldemort liked to call him, right in the ribs, knocking the wind out of him, so he fell to the floor.

"_Pillow fight!_" several Death Eaters yelled, and within seconds pillows were flying left and right, up and down, side to side, all around! Yes, indeed, Voldemort and his Death Eaters were acting like little Sorority girls, dressed in their pajamas and having a pillow fight, giggling madly. Well, they weren't exactly like sorority girls. Their pajamas were somewhat different. Well, except Lucius'; his were rather provocative.

Anyway, for a few minutes the Death Eaters and Voldy-poo hit each other mercilessly with pillows, then they all fell to the ground, panting, and of course, giggling.

Wow.

Who would've guessed that's what they did at Death Eater slumber parties?

Well, then again, who would've guessed they _had_ Death Eater slumber parties?

So, our dear little friends spend the night talking, laughing, playing games; but alas, all good things must come to an end.

"AHEM!" Voldemort cleared his throat very loudly. "Now, to business!"

"Bonsai!" the Death Eaters roared. It was a new rule. Instead of saying "yes sir" or "yes my lord," or even "yes master," now all Death Eaters must say "Bonsai" when being spoken to or addressed by the Dark Lord.

"So, I will now, without further interruptions," Voldemort looked up at his forehead where "ANGER" was still vaguely visible, "Ahem... I will tell you of my plans to capture and kill Harry Potter!"

"Bonsai!"

"We're going to lure him out of Hogsmeade with an archery contest!" Lucius suddenly yelled.

Voldemort shot him a look of pure hatred and loathing, and all the Death Eaters gasped.

"I WAS SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM, YOU IMBECILE!" Voldemort screamed at him, spit flying everywhere. "_Crucio!_" he yelled, and Lucius was on his back, twitching and fidgeting as though he were being prodded everywhere by invisible sticks. That was, of course, exactly what was happening.

You see, the Cruciatus Curse has long since been changed into something _much_ worser!

Worse.

Worser..?

Whatever. Anyway, it's been changed. To exactly what was said before.

PAY ATTENTION WILL YOU?

Voldemort took the curse off of Lucius and laughed his cold mirthless laugh, unfortunately he laughed a little too hard, causing him to begin to cough. He sat there, hunched over, and coughed for a few moments, then took a few wheezy breaths and sat up again.

"Ahem," he cleared his throat. "As my dear Lucius has just informed you, we will be luring Harry Potter out of Hogsmeade with an archery contest." A broad smile cracked the icy look that was upon his face. "And then, _we'll kill him_!" he exclaimed, and then laughed an evil, evil laugh as the Death Eaters chortled along.

"Bwaha! Bwaha! Bwaha!"

So what has our dear Harry been doing for almost two chapters, do you ask? Yes, he is still in this story.

Harry was sitting in the Gryffindor common room, thinking hard about how he was going to destroy the other Horcruxes of which Voldemort owned, and how he was going to kill him. He thought and thought and thought some more. Fortunately, Harry is slightly smarter than dear Snapey so he figured it out after only three thoughts.

A light bulb clicked on above his head and his face brightened as he stood up, punching his arm into the air, and, in turn, smacking his head on the light bulb. He quickly grabbed the light bulb and threw it into the fire. "I'VE GOT IT!" he yelled so loudly that a few first year girls sitting in the corner screamed.

"Got what, my Harry dearest?" Ron looked over at him from the couch.

"I know how to kill Voldemort!" he exclaimed.

Ron looked at him strangely.

"But..." He raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you already know that you had to destroy all of the Horcruxes to destroy him?"

"Yes, of course," Harry muttered, "But I know how to destroy the Horcruxes!"

Rom looked at him strangely.

"But..." He raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you already know how to destroy them?"

"Yes, of course," Harry muttered, "But I know what all of them are!"

Ron looked at him strangely.

"ENOUGH WITH THE LOOKS, RON!" Harry screamed at him, causing a group of second years in another corner to scream.

Ron gave him a strange look.

"Stop it!"

"Okay... Sorry, jeez," Ron mumbled. "So, what is your brilliant new plan?"

Harry gave an evil grin. "Well, I figured I'd just summon all the Horcruxes here and kill them off," he looked at Ron, "Would you like to help?"

Ron smiled. "Why, yes, yes I would. When are we going to do it?"

"The next Hogsmeade trip," Harry explained, rubbing his hands together mischievously. "That way not many people will be here at Hogwarts."


	7. CARB O RAMA

**CHAPTER 7: CARB-O-RAMA**

Hermione elbowed her way passed Ginny, gaining speed as she sprinted towards the light at the end of the corridor, where her dear Draco would be waiting.

Hermione screeched to a halt just in time to stop from running straight into a green couch; unfortunately, Ginny didn't and she collided with it at an all-out sprint, causing herself to fall over the front onto some Slytherin boys who looked at her in a disgusted way before realizing that Ginny was like _totally_ hot! Then they just snickered and winked in her direction as she removed herself from them and looked around the room.

"Where is Draco?" Hermione screamed to the common room. Everyone looked at her strangely. "_Where is Draco_?" she repeated, louder, with a look of mild craziness on her face, her nostrils flared, her breathing hard.

People seem to have their "nostrils flared" and their "breathing hard" in this fic as much as they scream and fall over.

Shut up.

Pansy Parkinson looked at Hermione with her nose in the air and said, "He doesn't want to see you, Mudblood," then she and her friends collapsed into fits of giggles.

Ginny walked right up to Pansy and slapped her across the face.

"Cat fight!" someone screamed, and before they knew what was happening Ginny and Pansy were into a deep fight, scratching at each other and pulling one another's hair.

Hermione grinned evilly and slowly sidestepped to the stairs at the left side of the room and ran down them, happy to see the sign on the door that said, "Sixth Year Boys." Because she is Hermione and can go anywhere she darn well pleases.

Hermione took a deep breath, brushed her very, very, straight beautifully groomed hair out of her face so it cascaded down her back, and opened the door.

Draco looked up from where he was sitting on his bed to see the beautiful girl standing there wearing this like, gorgeous black halter top and this great leather mini-skirt and smirked. Hermione had changed over the summer, she had grown curves in all the right places, not too mention those legs! Because we all know that Hermione is just like, totally not a bookworm, and totally hot, right? Malfoy purred slightly.

Hermione ran over to him and sat down on his lap. "Did you miss me?"

Ginny grabbed Pansy by the hair and threw her onto the ground.

"How dare you insult Hermione!" Ginny screamed as she kicked the girl in the ribs. "She's worth more than anything you'll ever be!" she kicked her once more for good measure, then turned to look at everyone in the common room.

All of the Slytherins stared at her wide-eyed. She hadn't seemed the type to just randomly beat someone up. But of course they were Slytherins and she was a Gryffindor and a Slytherin would _never_ take the time to actually get to know a Gryffindor, so they couldn't really say what type she was.

But they were surprised nonetheless.

Suddenly, Ginny was pulled down from behind as Pansy grabbed her by the collar of her shirt and let her fall to the ground. Pansy scratched her arm, just like a pansy would, and slapped her across the face.

Everyone in the common room gasped.

Ginny grabbed the side of her face and looked up to Pansy. "You – bitch -!" she screamed as she lunged at her one more time, pushed her to the ground, grabbed her shirt by the collar to bring her head up, and punched her squarely in the face, completely knocking her out.

Everyone in the common room gasped again.

Ginny quickly stood and straightened herself up as she looked around the room for Hermione. Her eyebrows stitched themselves together as her eyes narrowed.

"That backstabbing, betraying, stupid, ugly, little -" Ginny cut herself off as she began to run down the stairs to the boys' dormitory, because Ginny is awesome and knows where everything is, right? She made a quick right to the first door labeled "Sixth Year Boys" and stopped abruptly.

Hermione heard footsteps come from outside and quickly pushed Draco off of her slightly. "Someone's coming," she whispered, not moving from where she laid on his bed.

Draco turned to look at the door, removing himself from on top of Hermione and fixing his hair and smoothing his clothes. "Quick, go out the bathroom window!" he hissed to her, grabbing her hand to help her off of the bed as she smoothed out her mini-skirt.

Draco gazed into her eyes for a moment before bringing his hand up to her neck, and kissing her one last time. Then he pushed her into the bathroom, grabbed the first book he saw - "Magical Herbs and Fungi"-and sat on his bed.

Outside, Ginny took a deep breath before slamming open the door and screaming, "You little slut!"

Draco looked over to the door from where he sat on his bed, a book open in his lap, and saw Ginny standing in the doorway. Suddenly all thoughts of Hermione left his mind as the stunning redhead stood there. Because we all know that Hermione and Ginny are like so totally perfect and flawless, right? Yes. We do. Because they are hot.

Anyways, Draco looked up to see Ginny standing there, her hair slightly askew and her clothes wrinkled from the fight, and smirked. Hasn't this happened once before?

Oh well.

Ginny gave Draco a menacing look and shouted, "Where's Hermione?"

Draco pushed the book off of his lap and stood up from his bed. "Do you see her?" he replied, holding his arms out and looking around himself.

Ginny looked around, and being the oh-so-bright girl she was, smiled and said, "No."

Draco smirked even bigger as he walked towards her, slamming the door with his hand as he pushed her up against the wall. He could feel her take a sharp intake of breath.

Draco quite gets around, doesn't he? Yes, yes he does. Because he is hot.

Draco brought his face down to hers and they inched their faces closer together-

Back outside in the Great Hall Harry and Ron sat eating lunch, attempting to throw grapes into each others mouths, but whether on purpose or not, they kept missing and "accidentally" nibbling each others fingers.

Ron giggled as Harry attempted to pry a grape out of out of Ron's fingers with his mouth.

Suddenly Hermione came from nowhere (honest, she did) and sat down opposite the two boys.

Ron screamed slightly and Harry jumped as she appeared.

Harry's eyes widened as he focused on the girl. Her hair was in complete disarray and her face was a bit flushed.

"Where have you been?" Ron asked, looking her up and down.

"Nowhere," Hermione panted, as she grabbed a half an apple and ate two bites of it before getting up again.

"That's it?" Harry asked, looking at her strangely, "You're not going to eat anymore?"

Hermione looked down at him with a slightly superior look on her face and said, "Are you kidding? That's like carb-o-rama! My gorgeous body couldn't handle that. I might gain an ounce!" And with that she flipped her hair and walked out of the Great Hall.


	8. BUTTER MY TOAST

**CHAPTER 8: BUTTER MY TOAST**

Harry and Ron exchanged strange looks as Hermione walked out of the Great Hall, but were interrupted when Professor McGonagall suddenly stood up at the staff table and cleared her throat.

"Ahem." The students immediately went silent and looked up at her. "I would like to inform all of you, Hogwarts students, that we will be having a dance, come this next Thursday."

Because we know that Hogwarts puts on dances so often, right?

Everyone in the Great Hall _oo_-ed and _ahh_-ed.

"Only fifth years and above will be allowed entrance to the dance unless you are accompanied by an adult," Professor McGonagall smiled weakly at them all, "Thank you," she said, and with that she sat down.

Harry and Ron looked at each other, gigantic smiles on their faces.

"Ron, would you like to-"

"YES!" Ron exclaimed, pulling Harry into a hug before he could finish his question.

Ginny opened the door to the Sixth Year boys' dormitory, her breathing hard, her hair a mess and grinned slightly as she walked out.

"There's going to be a dance on Thursday after classes," a Slytherin girl exclaimed as she ran past her in the common room, squealing with her friends about what they would wear.

Ginny raised her eyebrows. A dance? Now this could be fun.

Ginny turned to look at Draco, who was slowly buttoning up his shirt by his bed in the dormitory and smiled at him, "Did you hear that?"

Draco smirked, "Yes, I did."

Ginny raised her eyebrow, "... And?"

Draco looked confused, "And what?"

"Well, aren't you going to ask me?" Ginny exclaimed, folding her arms across her chest.

Draco looked at her sympathetically, "Gin, darling, you know I can't bring this thing we have out into public! What would our parents think? What would your friends think? What would my followers think?"

Ginny looked at him with sad eyes, "But – but - I thought you loved me!" she said, slightly hysterically.

Draco laughed a little, "Love you? Ha! You are just too darn cute; of course I don't love you!"

Ginny looked appalled, "You stupid, ignorant, beautiful, little-" she was cut off as Draco smirked at her one last time and slammed the door.

Draco laughed as he slammed the door in the face of the young girl. "Stupid, silly, little girl," he said to himself, "If it's anyone I love it's that beautiful Mudblood Granger." He whistled a little and shook his head, "Too bad _that_ can't get out into public either," he sighed to himself, "I guess I better ask Parkinson... again." And with that he took a deep breath and stepped out into the Slytherin common room, glad to see that it was Weasley-free.

Draco walked slowly across the common room to the girls' dormitories just as Pansy Parkinson walked out of it.

"Draco!" she squealed as soon as she saw him.

"Hello, Pansy," Draco said seductively, causing Pansy to giggle, "I had a question for you."

Pansy looked into his eyes. "Yes?"

Draco took her by the waist and pulled her into him. "Will you go to the dance with me?"

Pansy giggled shrilly and said, "Yes," just as their lips met.

Those poor girls.

I mean, lucky girls.

I mean stupid girls.

Well, all of the above, actually. Draco is quite handsome, is he not?

"Are you ready, Wormtail?" Voldemort grinned a horrible, evil grin as he looked up from the parchment in front of him and dipped his quill once more in the black ink.

Wormtail gave what he thought to be a wonderful smirk (in actuality he only looked like he had gas) and said, "Yes, my Lord, I am indeed ready."

Voldemort grinned even more and put the quill to the parchment for the last time, sprawling a name across it before picking it up and holding it in front of him. He squinted at it for a few seconds before turning to Wormtail.

"For Merlin's sake, Wormtail, give me my glasses!" he exclaimed, holding his hand out to Wormtail, "Darn this old age..."

Wormtail ran to the other side of the room and picked a pair of large glasses up from a table in the corner before running back across the room and holding the glasses out to Voldemort.

The Dark Lord turned his head slowly to him. "Will you put them in my hand, please?"

Wormtail squeaked a little bit, "Yes, my Lord, forgive me," he blubbered, placing the glasses gently in Voldemort's hand and curtsying.

"Thank you," Voldemort said cynically, placing the glasses on his face and once again holding the paper out in front of him. After reading through it a few times he took the glasses off again and rolled the parchment up.

"Wormtail," and Wormtail came bounding up to him, "Put my glasses back on the table, get me two pieces of wheat toast and send this letter to Harry Potter at once! Our day is finally here!" he exclaimed, pointing a fist of victory into the air.

Wormtail gave him a somewhat strange look and turned to do what he was told, but stopped cold when he heard his Master's voice once more.

"AND FOR MERLIN'S SAKE, BUTTER MY TOAST BEFORE YOU BRING IT TO ME!"

Harry looked through the glass out onto the snowy grounds, a grin creeping onto his face. "Look at them all, walking as if nothing were about to happen." He craned his neck backwards to look at Ron, "How ignorant of them. Little do they know I am about to vanquish Voldemort!" he cried and gave a high pitched laugh.

Ron raised his eyebrows. "You know, buddy, you may want to watch out; you're beginning to sound a bit like him."

Harry shrugged.

Ron raised his eyebrows.

Harry shrugged again.

Ron shrugged.

Harry shrugged.

Ron shrugged.

Hermione, who had just walked into the common room holding a letter, shrugged.

Ron shrugged, "What's that?"

Hermione shrugged, "A letter for Harry."

Harry shrugged, "From whom?"

Hermione shrugged.

Harry raised his eyebrows.

"No, really," Hermione shrugged, "I don't know."

"Oh I see." Harry walked over and took the letter from her, unrolled it and began to read. "Dear Mr. H. Potter, you are cordially invited to the first annual Hogsmeade Archery Contest. You and others will fight for the championship. Please be in Hogsmeade at four-thirty PM today. The best of luck, someone who is running the Archery Contest, certainly not Voldemort, or any Death Eaters," Harry finished reading and he looked up at Ron and Hermione, "I've got to go!"

Ron snatched the letter out of his hands and read it over himself. "No," he said at last, "It's too dangerous! I don't want to lose you!"

"Nonsense," Hermione grabbed the paper from Ron and handed it back to Harry, "It sounds like it's just an innocent little contest for fun and I'm sure Harry can win. If he wants to go I'm one hundred percent behind him."

Ron looked at her completely baffled. Wasn't it Hermione who was always saying how dangerous everything was?

Ron opened his mouth to fight back but suddenly Hogwarts suffered a major power outage! The candles blew out, and the sun shut itself off. All was dark.

"Ow," Hermione said, "That's my foot! Who is that?"

Seamus' voice was heard, "Sorry, hold on let me get us some light." And he proceeded to take a flashlight out of his pocket and click it on.

Hermione sighed, "How many times do I have to tell you all that those don't work in Hogwarts!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, sorry," Seamus said, and then proceeded to click the flashlight off again.

They all sat in a dark silence for a few moments, twiddling their thumbs and tapping their feet.

And more twiddling.

And more tapping.

And some more tapping and twiddling.

And even mo-

"Hooray!" they all exclaimed as the sun turned itself back on and the candles lit themselves once again.

Hermione looked puzzled, but everyone else was having a grand time in the light. Harry and Ron danced around with others in the common room while Seamus sat playing his flute and tapping his foot on the ground to the beat.

_Lalala lalala lalala LAAALAAA_ went the flute.

Suddenly, Harry jumped onto the table, punched is hand into the air and said, "I'm going to that contest and I'm going to win! I don't have time to destroy Voldemort today, perhaps tomorrow?" he said to Ron, who held a planner open in his hands.

Ron looked down a list, "Well, I suppose you could squeeze it in between tap dancing and pretending to take a nap in the common room while you're actually with me," he said and Harry nodded.

"Yes, that works fine," he jumped off of the table, "And now, _to the contest_!"

And everyone cheered and danced with him out of the common room and down the Grand Staircase and through the Entrance Hall and the Great Oak Doors, out into the sunny sunshine and skipped merrily into Hogsmeade.


	9. SLIGHTLY SCREWED

Harry and Ron led the pack into Hogsmeade, everyone laughing and singing and jumping for joy. Why was this archery contest so important, you ask? Why was everyone more excited about a silly archery contest than for Harry to destroy Voldemort, you ask? I've really no idea. Apparently people at Hogwarts have no lives.

Anywho, when they arrived in the middle of Hogsmeade they saw, not exactly to their surprise because they knew they were coming for the archery contest, but perhaps to the surprise of an average everyday witch or wizard coming to Hogsmeade to shop, a gigantic banner hung across the street from Zonko's to The Three Broomsticks that exclaimed, "Welcome Archers!" in huge writing.

Harry's face lit up at the sight of it.

"That means me!" he exclaimed to Ron, who patted him gently on the back.

"Yes, they do mean you. Good job, Harry!"

Harry beamed even more and looked around him.

Underneath the banner was the entrance to a huge "pit" if you will, containing some people, the other contestants we shall presume, and around the pit there were very large bleachers and people filing in from all sides.

Harry turned to everyone following him – the group was actually quite large – and said, "I've got to go into the center, I think, seeing as I'm the contestant," he beamed again, "The rest of you should file into the bleachers. And don't forget to cheer for Potter!"

Harry looked at Ron for a moment.

Ron looked at Harry for a moment.

Then they both turned and went their separate ways.

Actually, they walked together for about fifteen feet until they reached the entrance to the pit and Harry walked through while Ron climbed up the bleachers on the side.

Once inside Harry took a look in the stands. On the left side he saw Snape running after something, he wasn't quite sure what. Looking closer he realized he was running between people after the same orange monkey from chapter one.

Snape yelled in outrage as the monkey once again slipped past his fingers, "AUGH!" which we all know is Snape-language for: "You stupid monkey! I'm going to get you and hang you by your toenails! Then I shall kill you and fry and eat your brains!"

On the other side of the stands Harry gasped as he saw the last people he ever thought he'd see there in the front row: Professor Dumbledore, Sirius, James, and Lily. A huge smile came on his face as he ran over to them.

"What? How?" Harry stumbled through his words. "But – aren't you all dead?" at this Harry poked his father in the stomach.

Sirius gave a bark of laughter and Dumbledore's eye twinkled.

"No," Sirius said, "That's just a nasty trick of the eye. We're alive and kickin'!"

Lily smiled down on her son. "Yes, we just thought it'd be fun to pretend we had died when you were one to put you through all this pain and suffering!"

Harry looked skeptically at her, but then smiled and hugged his mother and father before being pushed back out into the pit.

The smile on Harry's face fell immediately into one of complete shock as he looked around and saw the second to last person he ever thought he'd see here: Voldemort.

If it strikes you as odd that Harry's scar has not hurt this entire time and that no one is trying to take Voldemort down, then you are probably not paying enough attention, because that means you haven't realized how demented this story really is.

Voldemort gave a small, cold laugh. "Hello, Potter."

Harry gave a big, warm laugh. Then blushed and coughed a little.

Then Harry gave a small, cold laugh. "Hello..." he searched frantically for a 'last' name for Voldemort, "Mort."

Voldemort looked at him strangely, "Mort?"

Harry blushed a little, but puffed up his chest and nodded his head, "You heard me."

Voldemort gave him one last strange look before shaking his head slightly and putting that ever-so-lovely maniacal grin back upon his nose less face. "Harry Potter, you have been invited here to be in this archery contest. Here are the rules: when you lose, you will die. And you will lose. Lucius is virtually undefeatable." Voldemort pointed at Lucius who was practicing his shot, hitting the bulls' eye each time.

Harry looked around at the other contestants, his eyes widening as he looked at each of them. Besides himself and Lucius Malfoy there was Viktor Krum, Gilderoy Lockhart, Dolores Umbridge, Colin Creevey, and Milicent Bulstrode.

Voldemort clapped his hands once and began to address the audience. "You all are very special guests at this tournament today. Today is the day, my friends," at this word he gave an involuntary shudder, "That I will defeat Harry Potter once and for all! Or, well, Lucius will beat him at least and then he shall be killed by someone in the stands who I will not mention at this time. That is – when he loses this contest." Voldemort grinned at the stands for a moment or two. "And now, let's get started!"

At once seven Death Eaters walked into the pit with seven targets and set them in front of the contestants.

Harry took a deep breath and grabbed an arrow from the cylinder over his shoulder and put it in place on his bow, hoping his archery skills would finally help him out.

Suddenly, Ron appeared at his side and gave him one last hug. "My darling," his whispered in his ear, "I believe we are slightly screwed."

Harry looked at his teary eyed friend. "Goodbye my love." And with one last glance Ron walked back onto the bleachers.

Harry took a deep breath and placed his arrow on his bow, lifting it up and closing one eye, the better to see where he was shooting.

"Merlin help me," he said to himself.

Voldemort stood once more, "Everyone ready? Aim! FIRE!"

Immediately seven bows were let go from one side of the pit and flew to the other side. Krum's, Colin's, Milicent's and Umbridge's landed on their targets, Lockhart's flew into the stands and hit the orange monkey Snape was no longer chasing ("No! Not Tickle!" Snape exclaimed, "Why? WHY! WHYYY?"), and two landed directly on the bulls' eye.

Lucius' and Harry's.

At once the crowd erupted into cheers and Harry shot a smirk at Lucius who glared back at him.

Voldemort's nose –err, slits- flared in anger as he saw Harry hit the target. "Bring out the new target!" he yelled and at once three Death Eaters brought out an even larger target.

"Now," Voldemort said, "Each contestant will have a chance to hit the target. Whoever comes closer to the bulls' eye will win."

The crowd erupted into cheers once more.

"If Lucius wins, Harry Potter will die. If Harry Potter wins – well. He won't." Voldemort said and rubbed his spidery hands together. "Lucius will go first. Ready?" Lucius took his place at the line on the ground, "Aim!" Lucius pulled his bow and arrow up in front of him, "FIRE!"

Whoosh! Doing!

Lucius' arrow landed directly on the bulls' eye and a few people clapped.

Harry's entire body was shaking. He was so frightened. "I'm too young to die!" he screamed.

Everyone looked at him strangely.

Harry looked strangely back at them. "Did I say that out loud?"

Voldemort gave another high screech of laughter. "Goodbye Harry Potter. Ready, aim, fire." He said lazily.

Harry took his place, pulled out another arrow, and aimed directly for the center. At "fire" he pulled back, closed his eyes and –

Whoosh! Doing!

Everyone erupted once more into cheers, much, much louder than before. Harry opened his eyes.

He had split Lucius' arrow right down the middle!

Voldemort was so angry his face twitched several times and he gave a small growl. "Kill him anyways!" he yelled and from the stands Peter Pettigrew stood up and said, "Avada Kedavra!"

A bright flash of green light came shooting towards Harry closed his eyed and braced himself for death... But it never came.

Slowly, Harry opened his eyes and looked around, below him stood Dobby, glaring up at Pettigrew. He held a glowing green ball in his hand. Dobby turned and smiled at Harry. "I heard that coming from a mile away," he said and closed his hand tight, the spell disappearing.

The crowd erupted into cheers yet again.

Voldemort stood with his mouth slightly open, apparently at a loss of what to do next.

Harry glared at him and took a few steps towards him.

Voldemort threw himself at Harry's feet. "I'm sorry Harry! I'm so sorry! I never meant to kill everyone! The Death Eaters – They made me!" the Death Eaters glared at him, "We did not!"

Voldemort's red eyes filled with tears as he looked up at Harry. "Can you ever forgive me? Here – Have the Horcruxes!" and from his pocket he produced a large locket, a golden goblet, and an egg shaped glass container filled with water. Then he hissed something no one but Harry could understand and Nagini came through the bleachers.

Harry gave Voldemort a confused look.

"Destroy them," Voldemort said, and handed him the locket. "I've really no idea who had this; I only summoned it yesterday." Then he handed him the goblet, "This was in Hogwarts of course; hidden extremely well." Then he handed him the little egg container. Harry looked at him strangely. "It's a sea monkey," he said. Harry continued to look at him strangely. "Well I thought it was clever." Then Voldemort pointed to Nagini, "And I never really liked her anyways."

Harry's face brightened and he gave Voldemort his hand and helped him up.

The crowd cheered once more.

"And now," Harry said to the crowd, "I will destroy Voldemort's Horcruxes once and for all!" he placed the locket, the goblet, and the sea monkey on the ground. "Destroyo! Destroyo! Destroyo!" and they were all gone.

The crowd went wild.

Then Harry turned to the snake. "You're actually sort of cute," Harry said to her. "Too bad, Destroyo!" and she was gone.

I'll bet you know what the crowd did.

Hermione, Ginny, and Pansy had Draco cornered against the side of he bleachers.

"You have to pick one of us, Draco! This can't continue!" Pansy screamed at him. Ginny and Hermione nodded.

"So go on," Hermione said, "Who's it going to be?"

Draco's face looked terrified. "I, err, I, uh -"

At that moment Ron stood up, looking at his watch, a petrified expression on his face. "There's only four days until the dance!" he exclaimed, "We have to go get ready!"

Everyone screamed and filed in a very organized fashion off of the bleachers, running back to Hogwarts.

Draco stood up, "I'll give you my decision at the dance!" he said and ran off.

Ginny, Pansy, and Hermione shrugged and walked back to Hogwarts.

Voldemort gave Harry puppy dog eyes. "Do you think we could -"

"Sure," Harry said and he and Ron and Voldemort and the Death Eaters all held hands and skipped off to Hogwarts.


	10. GRATUITOUS SNOG SCENES

**CHAPTER 10: GRATUITOUS SNOG SCENES**

With only four days until the dance, everyone at Hogwarts was bustling around at top speed trying to be ready in time.

Hermione sat in her Head Girls room that she shared with the Head Boy. Because we all know that in good Draco/Hermione fics they are the Heads and forced to share a room and mingle with each other, right?

Right.

So Hermione was sitting in her room at her vanity, taking countless hours to do her hair and make-up, when she was disturbed by a faint knocking on her door.

She gave an exasperated sigh. "What?" she called from where she sat.

"Can I come in?"

Hermione's eyes widened as she recognized Draco's voice. She smiled at herself in the mirror. "No."

"Why not?" Draco's voice sounded astounded.

"Because," Hermione said while putting in these like oh-so-gorgeous diamond earrings, "It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding!"

There was a brief silence before Hermione heard Draco answer, "But… we're not getting married, Hermione. It's just a school dance."

Hermione's eyes widened as she looked at the white wedding dress and veil she was wearing. She stumbled for words. "We – err – I, uhh – I KNOW THAT!" she screamed and ripped the dress off of her body.

On the other side of the door Draco looked slightly taken aback as he heard bangs and yells coming from Hermione's room. He raised an eyebrow and then shrugged and walked out of the common room he shared with her and into the halls.

He made his way to the Grand Staircase, getting whistles along the way. Which makes complete sense seeing as Draco is smokin' hot and he's wearing these awesome black dress robes.

After climbing to the seventh floor and finding Gryffindor Tower he mumbled the password ("Fall Out Boy") to the fat lady. He walked into the Gryffindor common room and looked around for his favorite redhead. However, all he saw was his least favorite redhead, Ron, helping Harry secure purple butterfly clips in his hair. Though Draco did have to admit that they both looked smashing…

Draco shook the thoughts of them out of his head. "Where's Ginny?" he said as he walked up to them.

Ron stared blankly at Draco, his mouth open slightly and his eyes wide.

Harry shrugged. "Getting ready I suppose," he said and smacked his bubblegum.

Ron still stared blankly.

Draco was starting to get slightly uncomfortable so he turned and made his way to the girls' dormitories. Yes, Draco can walk up the stairs without them turning into a slide. Why? Because he's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, that's why.

Draco walked up the stairs, opening each door as he passed and looking into the room to see if he could find Ginny. The first room contained no one. The second had two girls making out whom Draco thought he recognized vaguely as Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil. Draco shuddered slightly and continued up the stairs. The next room had a girl getting dressed who promptly screamed and threw a boot at him when he opened the door.

Finally, the fourth door he opened found Ginny sitting at a vanity and checking herself once more in the mirror. The dance was only two hours away now (keep up, gosh) and Ginny was making last minute corrections with her tiny black dress that dropped so low in the front and rode so high in the back Draco thought he would die.

Luckily, he didn't. What he did do was tackle her off of the chair onto the ground.

Ginny screamed in surprise but then laughed when she saw that it was Draco on top of her and not one of the seventh year perverts.

Yes that makes complete sense if you think of door number two.

Draco kissed her hard on the lips, but Ginny broke the kiss as she pushed him off of her.

"Does this mean you've chosen me?" So maybe she's smarter than I gave her credit for…

Draco's eyes danced around the room. Not literally. I mean, how could his eyes just pop out and dance around the room? And what sort of dance would they do, anyway? A waltz? The foxtrot?

Ahem. What I meant was that he looked around frantically for something to distract her.

"Is that dress black?" he said, looking pointedly at her body draped in the black dress.

Ginny looked down and thought for a moment. "Why yes, yes it is," she grinned.

Okay so maybe she _isn't_ smarter than I gave her credit for.

Draco smirked and sauntered over to her.

(INSERT GRATUITOUS SNOG SCENE HERE)

Ron looked at Harry as he fixed his tie in the mirror. "You look lovely, darling."

Harry grinned. "Why thank you, love."

Ron glanced around to make sure they were alone before taking a few steps toward him.

"You know..." he said, "I thought you were very brave during that archery contest the other day." He looked down as he said this, as though making an unwelcome confession.

Harry spun around to look at Ron. "Why thank you, love."

"Really. I think the way you handled Voldemort was fantastic."

"Why thank you, love."

"Is that all you can say?"

"Why thank you love," Harry said with a look on his face that proved it was, in fact, all he could say.

"What happened?"

"Why thank you love, why thank you love. Why thank you love!" Harry explained.

Ron gasped. "He didn't!"

Harry nodded.

Ron's face grew red with anger. "Well I'll teach that jerk to harm my boyfriend!" he yelled. "I will avenge you!" he said to Harry before turning to the door and running out.

"Why thank you, love," Harry mumbled as he turned back to the mirror and continued fixing his tie.

Ron was down the staircase and to the exit of the common room when he noticed everyone in it was giggling madly and pointing at him.

"What?" he screamed. They just continued to laugh and point.

Ron looked down to survey himself and found the reason they were laughing: In his hurry to avenge Harry he had forgotten to put his pants on. His ears grew red as he ran back through the common room and up the stairs to the seventh year boys' dormitory.

Harry was standing there holding up Ron's pink dress pants with a knowing look on his face.

"Thanks," Ron muttered as he pulled on his pants and tucked in his purple shirt.

"Why thank you, love."

Ron walked up to Harry and kissed him on the cheek. "Now, I shall avenge you!" With that he made to turn to leave, but Harry grabbed him by the waist and spun him back.

"What -" Ron started but was cut off as Harry's lips met his in a forceful kiss.

(INSERT GRATUITOUS SNOG SCENE HERE)

Meanwhile, Hermione was attempting and failing to zip up her tiny skin-tight red dress in her bathroom when she heard a faint knock on the door of her bedroom.

"Yes?" she called, but got no answer.

"Hello?" Again, she got no answer.

Hermione let out a sigh of frustration and walked out of the bathroom, but stopped short when she saw Professor Snape in her room, leaning casually against the wall.

"Can I help you?" Hermione said to her professor, well aware that her dress was very small and somewhat falling off of her because she hadn't gotten it zipped.

Snape looked up at her with seductive eyes. "I believe you can."

Now, if you're thinking that this ship was so totally _not_ in this fic before you would, of course, be totally wrong. It was there all along. Learn to read between the lines.

Oh, and yes, Snape has seductive eyes.

Hermione smiled. "And what is that?"

The professor took a few steps towards her and ran his hands down her arms. He then said something that is much too mature for you to read and pushed her onto her own bed.

(INSERT GRATUITOUS SNOG SCENE HERE)

Ron stumbled down the stairs, his hair in disarray and his clothes somewhat wrinkled and a goofy smile on his face.

"I… will… avenge you…" he muttered as he walked through the common room and out of the portrait hole.

He didn't have to walk far before he saw who he was looking for walking just ahead of him down the Grand Staircase. The sleek blonde hair gave Draco Malfoy away at once.

"Hey, Draco!" Ron yelled, anger starting to color his tone.

Draco spun around and eyed Ron skeptically. "Yes?"

"What did you do to Harry?" Ron demanded.

Draco laughed a little. "Oh just a little spell."

Ron smiled sarcastically. "Obviously. Will you take it off, please?"

Draco seemed to consider this, then shook his head. "No, I don't think I will."

"You little -" but that was all Ron could get out before Draco surprised him by shoving him into a wall and kissing him hard.

Ron broke off and gasped for air. "What are you doing?" he hissed.

Draco just smiled. "I saw how you wee looking at me earlier in the common room."

Ron looked down, embarrassed.

Draco laughed and brought his hand up under Ron's chin to pull his face up to his own again. "Don't fight it," he said.

And Ron didn't.

(INSERT GRATUITOUS SNOG SCENE HERE)

James and Lily Potter stood in the Room of Requirement. James slowly zipped up Lily's red dress that matched her hair.

"This really does look lovely on you," James said, running his hand down her shoulder.

Lily laughed. "It'd look better on you."

James looked taken aback, but then broke into a grin. "You think so? Let me try it on!"

Lily raised an eyebrow at him. "I was just kidding."

James laughed a bit of an off laugh and then said, "So was I. Of course. Pfft. I don't wear dresses…"

He coughed a bit.

Lily snorted and leaned up to peck him on the lips.

James grabbed her head to keep her there and deepened the kiss.

(INSERT GRATUITOUS SNOG SCENE HERE)

I suppose I should tell you that there is now only a half hour to the dance.

And I suppose I should also tell you what the ex Death Eaters and Voldemort are doing.

Well at this very moment Voldemort is having a nice chat with Professor Sprout about the Venomous Tentacula. He is wearing lovely dark crimson dress robes that go so well with his eyes.

(INSERT GRATUITOUS SNOG SCENE HERE)

Okay that one was totally a joke. I mean, come on! Voldemort and Professor Sprout?

… Actually…

Ahem. Right.

The ex Death Eaters are wandering around the castle, looking at all the valuables.

Crabbe and Goyle and their fathers excluded – they would be eating in the Great Hall.

Suddenly, the food disappeared from their plates – not without a groan from them – as the tables disappeared from in front of them and the benches below them. A stage appeared where the long head table used to be and a table full of food appeared at the other end of the Great Hall.

Professor McGonagall pushed open the doors to the Great Hall – a swarm of people behind her – turned to the crowd and said, "Let the dance begin!"


	11. KISS ME YOU FOOL

**CHAPTER 11: KISS ME YOU FOOL**

Everyone cheered as they ran into the Great Hall. A band was suddenly on stage and it began to play as soon as they stepped foot into the door.

The Crabbe's and Goyle's moved quickly through the crowd to get to the food table, maniacal grins in place.

Gilderoy Lockhart was standing in the middle of the dance floor, looking a little confused, but like he was having fun nonetheless when Professor Snape saw him and gave an agonized cry.

"YOU!" he yelled.

Lockhart looked around him for a moment. "Me?"

"Yes, you!" Snape said, outraged. "You killed Tickle!"

Remember the orange monkey? Poor thing.

Lockhart looked confused. "Did I?"

Snape pulled his wand out of his robes and pointed it at Lockhart. "Yes! You did!"

Lockhart shrugged. "Sorry."

Snape stood for a moment, deliberating, but then slowly lowered his wand. "Apology accepted," he said and then walked back through the crowd to sit and mourn the loss of his dear friend.

Draco Malfoy was standing near the food table drinking a glass of punch when three extremely angry girls stormed up to him.

"So, have you decided?" Hermione said, angrily.

"Yeah who's it going to be, Draco?" Ginny said just as mad.

"PICK ONE!" Pansy screamed.

Draco put his hands out, palms toward the girls, as though this helped the situation, and took a step back.

"Look I -"

But he was cut short as an angry growl rippled through the Great Hall.

"You always do that!" someone shouted. It sounded like Harry.

Probably because it was.

Harry and Ron were standing in the middle of the dance floor, glaring at each other with angry eyes.

"It's like you can't dance one measly song without stepping on my feet!" Harry yelled angrily.

Ron looked at him acidly. "Well it's a bit hard to dance with someone so short!"

"Excuse me!" Harry said, rolling his body and snapping.

"You heard me!" Ron snapped back.

They glared at each other for a long moment.

"Well that settles it then. We're breaking up," Harry said.

"I guess so," was all Ron replied.

Draco raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment.

"Okay," he said to the girls, who were all looking at Harry and Ron stare at each other in the middle of the dance floor.

"Okay, I pick Hermione," Draco said.

Hermione turned back to him with a look that clearly said she didn't care.

"Actually," she said, stepping towards Harry and Ron, "I'm not into you anymore."

With that she turned and ran, slamming into Ron and wrapping her arms around him.

"I always loved Hermione, anyway," Ron said to Harry before kissing Hermione.

Draco raised an eyebrow again, and again, didn't comment.

"Okay, then. I choose Ginny."

The red haired girl looked at him for a moment, then said, "Naw, it's okay," and ran over to Harry, throwing her arms around him and kissing him all over the face.

Harry sneered at Ron. "Well, I always loved Ginny," he murmured and then kissed Ginny back.

Draco raised both eyebrows. This was not something he was used to.

He never got rejected. But to be rejected by _two_ girls on the same night? Utterly insane.

He turned to Pansy. "Well, I choose you then, I guess."

Pansy looked at him for a long moment. "Actually, I think you deserve someone better."

She then proceeded to walk around the entire Hall to the other side where Snape sat mourning, took his face in her hands, and kissed him fiercely.

Wow. That's not a pairing you see very often.

Draco's eyes were wide. _Three_ girls? What was the world coming to?

He sighed and shook his head.

Suddenly, a streak of blonde hair and colorful dress robes flashed past him.

Lucius Malfoy flew across the floor of the Great Hall – someone had spilled their punch – and into the wall on the other side.

He groaned as he attempted to get up. "Master?" he asked, confused.

Voldemort sighed and walked in a rather provocative manner over to him. "What is it, Lucius?"

Lucius looked a bit taken aback. "Err… I just… wanted to inform you that the other Death Eaters are doing exactly what you told them not to do."

Voldemort's eyed opened in shock. "Trying on my lingerie!"

Everyone in the Great Hall gasped.

Lucius raised an eyebrow. "No," he said, "They're stealing from the school!"

Voldemort's face relaxed. "Oh…" he glanced around uneasily, and then cleared his throat.

"Well," he began, thinking hard about what he should do, "Seeing as I'm no longer an evil dark lord, I'm going to have to leave this one up to the headmaster," he looked over to Dumbledore, who was sitting at a small table in the back of the Great Hall, "Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore stood up, twinkle in his eye, and screamed, "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!"

Everyone in the Great Hall looked over at him. This was quite out of character. When he didn't say or do anything else, everyone in the Great Hall grabbed their torches and pitchforks and ran through the doors, through the castle looking for the Death Eaters.

"KILL THE BEAST! KILL THE BEAST!" they chanted.

You get to decide whether that is a Beauty and the Beast or Lord of the Flies reference.

Anyhow, they scoured the entire castle, searching for the Death Eaters, finally finding them on top of a familiar tower.

"Hey!" Harry said, "This is where Dumbledore died in book six!"

Ginny gave him a strange look. "What?"

"You know, in book six when we had just come back from the cave? We were looking for one of Voldemort's Horcruxes. And then we cam back here and Draco came up and was going to kill Dumbledore, but he couldn't do it do Snape did it. And Dumbledore died – well at least I thought he did, good job with that," he said to Dumbledore, "And he fell off the tower."

Everyone looked at him very strangely.

"What book?" Ron said.

"Yeah, Harry, what book?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Has it not occurred to you all that we are fictional characters?"

Draco's eyes widened. "Really?" he said, and then proceeded to slap Pansy Parkinson across the face. "Feels real to me."

Pansy shrieked and grabbed her face. "That hurt!"

Draco shrugged. "Felt real, didn't it?"

Pansy was silent for a moment before she answered. "Yes…"

"See? I think we're real," Draco said.

"I concur!" Hermione said.

Harry sighed. "We're real in here!"

Ron raised an eyebrow. "Where is here?"

"The author's and readers' imaginations."

Seamus Finnigan detached himself from Dean Thomas for a moment and looked around the top of the tower – the dungeon-like feel to it, the huge drop to the green grass surrounding the castle below, the dark sky. "So," he began, "Someone's mind created this?" He walked up to the wall and pounded on it with his fist. "It does feel solid…"

Suddenly, due to the author's gruesome sense of humor, the wall cracked and fell, Seamus included, to the ground below.

Dean Thomas yelled in agony as he watched his soul mate fly to his death.

Suddenly, just because the author wanted, Seamus flew back through the hole in the wall and back to Dean's side.

Seamus's eyes were wide. "I don't like this author much."

"Me either," Draco Malfoy said. "I mean, I'm the Slytherin sex god and I got rejected by three girls in the beginning of the chapter!"

"Yes, that is a bit strange," Hermione said, "According to my calculations you shouldn't have been rejected by any of us. I don't like this author either! PICK A SHIP, LADY!" she screamed to the sky.

Suddenly, a girl with long brown hair and piercing grey eyes appeared next to Hermione. "Don't complain."

Hermione's eyes widened, "Who are you?"

"Bree," the girl replied simply. "I'm the author."

"Of all of this?" Harry said, shocked.

"Erm, no," Bree said. "I'm just spoofing the entire Harry Potter series. The original author is a brilliant woman named JK Rowling."

All the characters raised their eyebrows.

"Wait," Snape said, "If you're the author then why are you in here?"

"Because I decided to write myself in," Bree said, matter-of-factly.

"Oh."

"Any other complaints?"

Draco stomped his foot on the ground. "Yes! Why did I get rejected by three girls?"

"Because I wanted you all for myself."

Draco looked shocked for a moment, but then smirked. "Oh, okay."

"Now, can we get back to business?" Bree said. "We need to catch those Death Eaters!"

Everyone cheered and began to chant again.

"KILL THE BEAST! KILL THE BEAST!"

They scoured the castle once more, and chased the Death Eaters to a corner, where they were trapped.

"A-HA! NOW YOU IS TRAPPED, MUFUGGAHS!" Dumbledore said, flashing his gang signs.

The Death Eaters cowered.

"Annnnnd – cue Dementors!" a director shouted from behind a camera.

Suddenly, about eight Dementors flew onto the set and grabbed the Death Eaters, taking them off to Azkaban.

Voldemort looked at the place where they had just disappeared for a moment and then turned to everyone else. "Nothing less then they deserved."

Everyone cheered.

And they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
